Monday, January 15, 2007

For Wino and the Tree Huggers

Some turkey on this site: posted the following about two weeks ago. It has led to a blogging game where the idea, as I understand it, is to create a dialogue of an extremist family of any stripe with one random character sharing the same extremist bent inserted. I got tagged with this sucker this morning and have a hard time turning down a challenge.

Anyway, here is the original post:

"This is what it would be like, if the majority of people were athiests.

ATHIEST KID: Mom, I'm going to go fuck a hooker.

ATHIEST MOM: Okay, son.

ATHIEST KID: Afterwards, I'm going to go smoke pot with my friends, since it's "not addictive."

ATHIEST MOM: Okay, come home soon!

The athiest kid leaves the room. The father comes home from work several minutes later.


ATHIEST MOM: Hi, honey! I'm pregnant again. I guess I'll just get another abortion, since "fetuses don't count as human life."

ATHIEST DAD: Okay, get as many abortions as you want!

ATHIEST MOM: Oh, and don't go in the bedroom.


ATHIEST MOM: There are two gay men fucking eachother in there.

ATHIEST DAD: Why are they here?

ATHIEST MOM: I wanted to watch them do it for awhile. They just aren't finished yet.

ATHIEST DAD: Okay, that's fine with me!

Suddenly, their neighbor runs into the house.

ATHIEST NEIGHBOR: Come quick, there's a Christian outside!

ATHIEST MOM: We'll be right there!

The athiest couple quickly put on a pair of black robes and hoods. They then exit the house, and run into the street, where a Christian is nailed to a large, wooden X. He is being burned alive. A crowd of athiests stand around him, all wearing black robes and hoods.

RANDOM ATHIEST: Damn you, Christian! We hate you! We claim to be tolerant of all religions. But we really hate your's! That's because we athiests are hypocritical like that! Die, Christian!


The reaction has been predictable...numerous responses calling the original poster all kinds of names for insulting atheists. Unfortunately, while meant obviously as satire, it isn't that funny. Also, it helps if you want to criticize someone's beliefs or status to at least be able to spell it properly (the word is atheist, not athiest) I think the idea was to just be as absolutely politically incorrect as possible and get a reaction.

I could go with an easy target like islamist fundamentalists. But, seeing as I live in Vancouver and we've had an incredible run of really unusual weather and everyone in the country seems obsessed by the environment these days, I'm going with a family of cruncy granola munching, global warming-fearing, tree huggers...

Tree hugger kid: Mom, do we have any money? The trees in Stanley Park have been knocked down and I need to go make a donation.

Tree hugger mom: Gee, I'm sorry son. You know we don't use money any more because the bills are made from paper and you have to kill trees to make them and coins are made from metals which are dug from the ground and hurt The Earth Mother. But, I know...why don't you take the cans that your father's been collecting on his walk to work and back every day?

Tree hugger kid: That's great, mom. After I'm done donating the money, I'll walk down to the Sea Wall and yell at the fishermen to stop their rape of the ocean's resources, except for eating seaweed with their tofu.

Tree hugger mom: Son, we're so proud of you. You know, those cans are heavy so why don't you use a few of them to take mass transit to the park?

Tree hugger kid: I would, mom, but getting to the electric buses means taking a diesel bus first and the fumes choke the birds and the noise of the bus's brakes really effects the dogs and cats. Plus, last week I saw one hit a squirrel and I had to see the grief counsellor at school I was so upset because I couldn't save the squirrel even after I performed CPR. But, I'll take the bicycle, if that's okay.

Tree hugger kid leaves. A few minutes later, tree hugger dad enters. He kisses tree hugger mom sweetly.

Tree hugger mom: My you're in a good mood this afternoon, dear.

Tree hugger dad: I know. I just feel so revitalized. Your macrobiotic stew with unpasteurized yogurt whey and textured vegetable protein set the tone for the whole day. I had so much energy after that, I went around the office and turned off all the heaters to encourage people to join me in jumping up and down for warmth. It was wonderful.

Tree hugger mom: Well, if you're going to act like that, can you first go outside and squeeze the water out of the clothes in the rain barrel and hang them from the line so they'll be dry by next week? There might be a reward in it for you later...

Tree hugger dad: You mean?

Tree hugger mom: Yes, dear...we can read excerpts of an Inconvenient Truth by candlelight tonight.

Suddenly, their tree hugger neighbour comes running in:

Tree hugger neighbour: Quick, there's an industrialist outside smoking a big cigar while his car is running!

The tree hugging couple quickly don their Druid robes they wear on the Solstice Eve celebrations and run outside where a crowd of tree huggers has gathered around the industrialist and is tying him to a tree while one hammers two stones together to try and light a torch.

Tree hugging crowd: Damn you, industrialist! You are murdering the Earth! We will exact our revenge!

Tree hugging dad: Wait! Wait, everyone! This isn't right! You might hurt the tree!


Bacon Eating Atheist Jew said...

I actually thought the Fundy was funny and creative for a Fundy.

I would never have thought of doing a tree hugger one. You did a good job.

Someone did a mentally ill one.

southfield_2001 said...

"I actually thought the Fundy was funny and creative for a Fundy."

LOL...I think that's called "damning with faint praise".

Lexcen said...

I think that between the few of us that are not PC, we should manage to offend just about everybody.

southfield_2001 said...

"I think that between the few of us that are not PC, we should manage to offend just about everybody."

I hope so.
I'd rather get the PC crowd to think but they seem more intent on simply being offended.

Catherine said...

"Plus, last week I saw one hit a squirrel and I had to see the grief counsellor at school I was so upset because I couldn't save the squirrel even after I performed CPR."

Oh, sure, you may laugh, but I always sob my eyes out any time I see an animal (squirrel, dog, cat, frog, whatever) get hit by a car, or even when I see a bird fly smack into a building and die -- I once sat with a bird who had met just such a fate and tried to comfort it while it died, and I sobbed. I kid you not. I've never had to see a grief counselor about it, though. :)